


Surrender

by alwaysbringbackup_03



Series: Supercorp Christmas Week 2017: A Compilation of Unrelated Stories [4]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First-Kiss, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Healing, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, PTSD, SuperCorp, turned real relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-19 23:38:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13134588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwaysbringbackup_03/pseuds/alwaysbringbackup_03
Summary: A year after the life-altering events of "Reign," Kara and Lena are still struggling to get back to where they were before that fateful night. Kara is suffering from severe PTSD, and flat out refuses to celebrate anything related to Christmas. Alex recruits Lena's help, knowing that Kara needs her best-friend desperately. Lena is still in love with Kara and has regrets about the way she handled things. There's a whole lot of angst, and some healing takes place.It was originally written for Day 4 of Supercorpxmasweek.Will be a two-shot!





	Surrender

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any rights for Supergirl or the DC universe! All of my content is made for recreational purposes only and is not for profit.
> 
> I don't know why this one turned out to be so heavy, but the idea popped into my head and would not leave. So this turned out to be a lengthy, dragged out ordeal. And I would like to apologize for all of this, beforehand. Also, if you would like to avoid ruining your Christmas cheer, I wouldn't be offended if you guys skip this one.
> 
> It was originally written for Day 4 of Supercorpxmasweek, but took on a life of it's own. The prompt was, "Please, pretend to be my date, so my family will stop asking when I’m going to get married." I didn't strictly adhere to this one, but loosely followed it.

Lena hastily stood up from her chair, and gave Alex a small wave as the elder Danvers’ sister pushed open the door, and strode inside small and quaint café that had become their hideout over the last few months. Alex loved going to this particular café because they were the only place in the city that made a Caribbean Butter Rum Toffee Latte. It was sweet tasting, and even Lena had to admit that it was pretty darn incredible the first time she’d had it. Alex carefully headed over, weaving back and forth between the tables as she made her way over towards the small table for two. After many visits to the small Café, they’d decided that they both liked the table location. They liked the table because it was away from the door, and it was also quieter than over by the counter. Not to mention, it was the closest table to the book stacks located in the back of the café. 

As Alex made her way over, Lena noticed how her hands were shoved deep into the pockets of her leather jacket. She gave Lena an accusatory look as she noticed that Lena had already ordered for her. Alex’s drink was still steaming hot, making faint trails of steam in the air above their table. 

“Lena, you shouldn’t have,” Alex spoke, as she pulled Lena into a hug. Lena returned it wholeheartedly. They held the embrace for a few seconds before they let go. Alex retreated back to her side of the table, while Lena sat down once more. 

“I really should have,” Lena insisted with a warm smile, “After all, someone has got to take care of you now that you refuse to take care of yourself. 

“Mmm,” Alex hummed softly, as she carefully lowered herself down into the seat across from Lena.

“So how’s Ruby doing?” Lena asked in concern, “Is she still giving you a hard time?” 

“Yeah,” Alex nodded, “A little bit. Although, the Psychiatrist that you recommended has been helping out a lot, so thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” Lena swallowed, “It’ll get better, Alex. Ruby completely adores you. It’s just – this entire situation has been hard on us all.” 

“Yeah,” Alex replied, before taking a sip of her beverage. 

“I’m probably going to regret asking this,” Lena spoke quietly as she stared down into her drink, “But how is Kara?” When she was finished getting the words out, she lifted her gaze. For a fraction of a moment, brown and green clashed, as Alex tried to decide just how truthful to make her reply. 

“Uh… Well, you know, she’s-” Alex hesitated, “She’s good.” 

“Alex,” Lena chastised, knowing instantly that she was being lied to. Alex sighed, realizing that Lena knew her too well.

“Okay, so – So that’s a lie,” Alex laughed hollowly, “I’m not all that surprised that you saw right through me. Kara’s always told me that I’m a terrible liar, but I thought I was pretty good at it. I mean – she didn’t know about me working for the DEO. But, I suppose, maybe I’m not so great at it, after all.” Lena couldn’t help but reach out, and lay her hand over Alex’s forearm in a comforting gesture. 

“I’m surprised that you’re asking me about Kara,” Alex told her. “You see her pretty much every day at work, don’t you?” 

“Yeah,” Lena nodded, “But things are different now. She’s guarded, shielded when it comes to me, almost. Part of that is my own fault, I think.” 

“Why?” Alex asked, “Because you didn’t take it well when you found out about her secret?” 

“Well, yeah,” Lena nodded, “But it’s more than that. I wasn’t exactly there for her when she needed me the most. She claims that she understands, but I – I don’t know if she actually does.” 

“Lena,” Alex laughed, “You’d just lost your best friend, and found out that your other friend wasn’t who you thought she was. She understood why you were upset. She understood that you needed time.” 

“We still haven’t fully recovered,” Lena admitted, “Sure, things are better than they were six months ago, but we still haven’t gotten back to the way we were at this point last year.” 

“I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, Lena, but I’m afraid you’re not ever going to get back to that point,” Alex told her. “Because things have irrevocably changed. Sam nearly killed Kara a year ago. And in order to save the world, Kara had to kill her.” Lena swallowed over the sudden lump in her throat. “Sam is dead. I have a kid that I’m in no way ready for. And of course Kara thinks that all of it is _her fault_ somehow, even though it's really _not_.” Alex’s voice was thick as she said, “So when you ask me how Kara is doing, you should know that she is a _mess_ , Lena. She’s an absolute _wreck_. No one – and I mean absolutely no one would be okay after having to choose between saving the world, or saving their best friend’s life. And what makes it so much worse…is knowing that you will never be able to look at her the same way again.” There was a beat before Alex said, “So no. Things aren’t going to go back to the way they were last year. Kara isn’t okay. None of us are going to be okay. We can only make the best of what we've got.”

They’d done this once a week, nearly every week since Lena had gone back to working at L-Corp after Sam's death. It was a chance for them to catch up, and they often had long conversations about the things that were happening in National City. On slow news weeks, Alex often shared stories from the DEO in order to fill out the conversation. Today, however, something seemed different between them. They were talking about personal matters. And Lena could tell that Alex was there in body, but she wasn’t necessarily there in spirit. Lena drummed her fingers anxiously on the tabletop, as she waited for the other shoe to drop.

Alex fiddled with her mug, using it as another excuse to avoid Lena’s questioning eyes. Alex, meanwhile, could feel Lena watching her, and analyzing her every movement. Finally, Lena decided she was going to have to press Alex for some kind of an explanation as to what she needed. Lena’s heart clenched painfully as she saw the tears building in Alex’s eyes. She watched intently as the beautiful woman stared into her drink. Lena gathered up some courage and reached over the table, placing her hand over Alex’s shaking one. And finally, Alex looked up and met her eyes for the first time in over a minute. 

“Oh, Alex,” Lena breathed softly, as she gave it a squeeze. Alex let out an embarrassed laugh and reached up to wipe away the beginnings of her tears. She didn’t want to ruin her make-up, and was afraid of making a scene. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex muttered while looking away. “I…I thought I could do this, but maybe, maybe I can’t.” Alex shook her head.

“Take your time,” Lena breathed as she retracted her hand carefully, after giving it one last squeeze. “I’m right here, and I’m not leaving until you say whatever it is that you need to say.” 

“I’m a mess,” Alex sighed before forcing herself to meet Lena’s inquisitive green eyes. “ _Everything_ is a mess. I’ve been trying to keep it all from falling apart. But I can’t. Things are really bad, Lena.” 

“Alex,” Lena cleared her throat after taking a ginger sip of her own vanilla latte made with half the syrup. “It's okay to feel that way. I know you feel like you have to be strong, and that you have to hold everything together, but you're only human. It's okay to be upset.”

“Yeah,” Alex hoped her smile looked genuine, because she had a feeling that it came across as more of a grimace. “I’m really sorry. I’ve just been so worried about Ruby, and Kara, too. This thing with Kara, is what worries me the most. If she would just let me help – if she would just talk to me…it would be so much easier, but she’s fighting me on everything. I think you know… Kara can be really difficult to begin with, but it’s even more true when she’s carrying a chip on her shoulder. It’s like she doesn’t want anyone to see her when she’s vulnerable. She's falling apart, Lena. I've never seen her like this.” Alex let out a sigh. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't - I don't know what to do."

“You really care about her, Alex,” Lena told her honestly. “You don’t have to apologize for that. I - I care about her too, you know.” Alex stared into her mug for a long moment, as she struggled to come up with the strength to ask the question she knew she had to ask.

“Forgive me if this is a bit too forward of me,” Alex breathed finally, while meeting Lena’s eyes again. She knew that the look in Alex’s eyes would tell her everything she needed to know. “But do you love her?” 

“I –“ Lena hesitated, “Of course – Of course I do. She's like family to me.” 

“No,” Alex shook her head, “That’s not what I mean. I was asking if you are _in love_ with her.”

“Oh,” Lena swallowed, “Look, I – I'm not sure if now is the best time to for us to get into that.”

“Did you know that Kara doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas this year?” Alex asked her. This earned a sharp breath from Lena’s lips. Lena’s eyes bore into Alex’s own, trying to discern whether Alex was exaggerating or not. When she saw nothing but sincerity in Alex’s deep brown eyes, Lena knew that they were in serious trouble. “I know,” Alex laughed, “That’s pretty alarming, right? I mean – Kara’s like the queen of Christmas cheer. She’s been that way, ever since spending her first Christmas on Earth. But this year – this year she insists that she can’t make it home. She says that she has to hold down the fort at work. But I know her better than that.” Alex wiped away at more tears that were threatening to fall. "I know that she's lying." 

“Alex,” Lena felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“I was over at her place last night,” Alex informed her. “And there wasn’t a single Christmas decoration to be seen anywhere. Usually – Usually, the tree would be up on Thanksgiving afternoon. But Kara, Kara hasn’t pulled them out yet. It’s _five days_ before Christmas, Lena.”

“What do you want me to do?” Lena asked her. “I mean, is there anything I _can_ do?”

“I don’t know,” Alex replied honestly. “I talked to Mom. We agreed that something like this isn’t exactly out of the ordinary. Christmas, as you very well know, is the one-year anniversary of Kara’s brush with death. And in most cases, the anniversary of an event can trigger PTSD and memories of the events themselves. We’re talking about the whole nine yards - nightmares, lack of appetite, being withdrawn, irritability, you name it. Kara’s been exhibiting signs left and right. I was – I was sort of hoping that you would tell me that everything has been fine with her at work, but I sort of get the sense that she hasn't been fine there, either.”

“No,” Lena swallowed, “She blew up at James the other day during a meeting, for no reason. I uh... I actually had to ask her to step out. She left for the rest of the afternoon, and didn’t come back. That was…. very unlike her.”

“Yeah,” Alex nodded. “My mother and I think that getting away from National City for a few days would be good for her. There is less of a chance of something triggering her in Midvale. But here? Here, there are triggers everywhere.” Lena let out a long breath. “I know that I have no right to ask this of you, but I was hoping that you would try and convince her to come home for the holidays. She might… She might listen to you.”

“I’ll try,” Lena, promised, “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll at least try and talk to her about it.” 

“Thank you,” Alex breathed. “Just as a warning. Kara is really good at making excuses…” Lena snorted, as she thought of all of the outlandish excuses that Kara had come up with over the last couple of years, when she had to duck out for Supergirl business. “Okay, so I heard how I sounded just now,” Alex told her, “And I don’t blame you for laughing. But I am being serious, Lena. Kara will try to make excuses as to why she can’t come home. But it’s your job to poke holes in them – You need to make it so she has no choice but to say yes.”

“Okay,” Lena said before she took another sip of her coffee.

* * *

Meanwhile, across town, Kara had just arrived at work.

Upon arriving at Catco, Kara promptly sequestered herself in her office, shutting and locking the door behind her. At that moment, she wasn’t sure if she could bear to face another living soul. She hadn’t slept a wink last night. Sure, she’d tried, oh, believe me, she’d sure tried, but every time she closed her eyes, horrific nightmares had been there to greet her. She woke up screaming, and couldn't make herself go back to sleep afterwards. 

On trembling legs, Kara slowly walked across her office, teetering slightly as she walked. She walked around her beautifully crafted writer’s desk and sank into the chair behind it with a deep exhalation. She sat there for a minute, just staring at her dark computer screen. She felt her eyes begin to droop in fatigue. Kara’s head jerked forwards as she nearly fell asleep. But before her chin so much as touched her sternum, Kara’s head jerked back again. She was suddenly wide-awake. 

Kara had been carrying a lot on her shoulders lately, what with Alex busy trying to be a mother to Ruby, there was a lot of slack to pick up at the DEO. It was weird having a stranger talking in her ear. Sure, sometimes J’onn or Winn was there, but more often than not it was some guy named  _Craig_. Don't get me wrong. Kara liked Craig. He was polite and funny, and he had a way of calming Kara down when she needed it. But he was no Alex. Her trust in him wasn't quite the same.

“Ponytail!” Carr’s voice was jarring, as he pounded on her office door with his fist. Kara ducked down behind the desk, and hid beneath it. She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t even dare to breathe, as she hid there in the dark. She prayed to whatever god was listening that he would just walk away - that he would leave her alone. She prayed that she wouldn’t have to deal with him just yet. Because Snapper Carr was the one person that could drive her insane on one of her good days, and today was most certainly  _not_ one of Kara’s good days. Kara let out sigh of relief as she heard him walk away, in order to go harass one of the other reporters. 

It wasn’t until her phone buzzed in her pocket that Kara came back to life. Without any more pause, Kara pulled herself up into her chair, and brought her finger to the power button of her computer, with the goal of booting it up. It came to life with a chipper chime, and she watched the screen flicker from black to white and then back again before it finally took. 

Kara let out another breath, as she struggled to mentally prepare herself for the day. If the other day had taught her anything, it was that she needed to learn patience. There were a lot of things she had to face, but Kara knew that she needed to gather herself first. She couldn’t be snapping at her boss, no matter how angry or exhausted that she was. She needed to put some of her pieces back together, so that she could deal with others, without making a dramatic scene. 

As she waited for her computer to boot up, Kara grew impatient. Fingers drummed on the desk in irritation as her eyes strayed from the computer screen, doing a quick once over of the place she knew to be her sanctuary. Perhaps it was foolish to think so, but Kara truly felt as if nothing could touch her here. Without fail, her office was the one place she could think. It was also the one place that she could always fall back to if she needed a place to hide and wallow in self-misery. She always found an immense sense of comfort in the place that James had given her.

The large collection of photographs dotting the wall all meant something important to her. They both documented Kara’s successes and her failures, while reminding her of the kind of person she was. Her photographs showed the transition she’d made from a young Junior reporter, to becoming a widely celebrated one. Kara swallowed thickly as her eyes landed on one of the pictures from her college graduation ceremony. She had been so young then, so naïve. She’d gone out into the big wide world with all sorts of expectations, and she’d gotten one hell of a wake up call. The world owed Kara Danvers nothing, and Kara Danvers seemingly owed it _everything_. National City had taken and taken from her, while giving little in return. Catco was the first one to give something back, and take a chance on her. Kara loved this place. This place was her _home_.

Inevitably, Kara’s eyes came back to the desk in front of her and onto the few treasured photographs she always kept within arms reach. It was these photographs that she felt really served as a testament to who she was, as a daughter, a hero, a friend. Kara felt a swell of emotions as one photograph, in particular, drew her gaze. Kara’s breathing became labored, inconstant, as she picked up the photograph. She cradled it in her shaking hand. She didn’t know why, but this time, she couldn’t fight the tears. Her eyes started to burn as she ran her fingers over it. Her vision blurred as tears filled her eyes and spilled over with a blink of her eyes. The photograph had been taken just over a year ago. Kara felt as if she had a golf-ball stuck in her throat as she took in the way Sam and Lena stood with their arms draped over Kara’s shoulders.

Kara shook her head in bafflement. A year? Had it really been a whole year since that night? It was hard to fathom such a thing, but there was no denying it now. The last year had flown by. Kara had kept herself busy, of course. She’d buried herself in work, and spent every free moment she had saving the city. In some ways it was like having two full time jobs, but Kara didn’t mind it. In fact, it was one of her greatest coping mechanisms.

A sob nearly tore through her, as she thought about it. It wasn’t fair. Kara ran her finger gently over the glass. Through the sheen of her tears, she stared at the smiling people in the photograph. Her heart constricted as she realized how very much like a family they all looked. Family. They were a family. They were a family, and Kara had ruined it. She had shattered it. Because Kara Danvers ruined everything she touched. Kara was surprised as a small bead of water dripped from her chin and landed on the glass below. Kara wrenched open one of the drawers in her desk and shoved the frame into it, before slamming it shut. She wiped away her tears and got to work.

A couple of hours later Kara was jolted awake by the sound of the door trying to open. She had literally just nodded off, moments before.

“Kara?” Lena’s soft voice jarred Kara into action. Kara’s chair slid backwards as she kicked it back with a little too much force. Kara let out a soft squeak as she kicked the chair right out from underneath her, and Kara was sent tumbling to the floor. She let out a groan as she impacted the floor with a force that was hard enough to send tremors skittering through it. “Kara?” Lena’s brow furrowed as she heard the sounds of someone falling, “Kara, are you okay in there?”

Lena gasped, as Kara threw open the door with one hand, while adjusting her glasses with the other. When she noticed how exhausted and disheveled her friend looked, she asked, “Why are the lights off in there? Were you sleeping?”

“No,” Kara replied in an exhausted and weary voice, “I umm...I just had a headache, so I thought it best to keep the lights off.” Lena gave her a searching look, as if she wasn't quite sure whether to believe that.

"Are you ill?" Lena asked worriedly, as she decided that Kara didn't look well. "Do you need to go home?" 

"No," Kara shook her head, "No. I've got too much work to do. I fully intend on toughing it out."

“Okay,” Lena said slowly, dragging out the word, “Look, I realize that now might not be the best time, but I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind meeting me in my office for a discussion – a work related discussion.”

“Oh,” Kara swallowed, “Uh... Sure, I can do that.” “Am I – Am I in trouble?” Kara asked worriedly.

“No, not in trouble,” Lena told her with a clear of her throat, “Just – Just meet me in my office in fifteen minutes, okay? We’ll talk then.”

“Fifteen minutes?” Kara repeated, while trying to swallow back a large yawn.

“Yeah,” Lena nodded, “That’ll give you a chance to get some coffee. You look like you could really use some coffee.”

“Okay,” Kara told her. “I’ll see you then, boss.”

“See you there, Kara,” Lena gave her what she hoped was a very warm smile 

Still, when Kara showed up outside of James’ office, she felt the tremors working their way through her hands. She realized that she was nervous. After Lena found out about Kara’s secret identity, she had been decidedly hands off at Kara’s work. In fact, she was almost non-confrontational. She knew how important the job was to Kara, knew it was her sanctuary, and so she tried to make it as easy for her as possible.

Their friendship hadn’t been great. Lena had been angry with Kara for a long time, not just for lying to her over the course of their entire friendship, but also because there was misplaced blame there too. After all, Sam was dead, and Lena had felt the need to blame _somebody_ for that. Kara had seemed like a reasonable candidate for that blame. But now? Now, Lena couldn’t help but feel as if that blame had been horribly misplaced. She knew how much Kara cared about Sam. She knew that Kara would do just about anything for her friends. However, Kara also had a duty and responsibility to protect the planet, too. Kara wouldn’t even choose Mon-El over the fate of the planet, so why would Sam be any different? Lena still didn’t fully understand why she'd been so desperate to blame Kara, when a large part of Lena knew that she would have made the exact same choice.

Now, Lena desperately wishes that she could turn back time. In fact, she wishes that she could take what she’d learned in hindsight, and tell it to the devastated and slightly bitter woman from a year ago that had just lost her best friend. 

Kara took a deep breath and knocked.

“Come in,” Lena’s soft voice called out from the couch, and Kara tentatively pushed open the door and stepped inside, flinching as she took in the Christmas tree and all of its baubles, that was tucked into the corner by James’ desk. “Kara,” Lena’s smile was inviting as she grabbed a manila folder from the coffee table, and opened it. “Hey! Take a seat,” Lena said, as she gestured vaguely at the opposite couch.

"I umm...I got you a coffee while I was at Noonan's," Kara offered, as she held it out towards Lena.

"Thank you, Kara," Lena smiled, as she took the coffee from Kara, "That was really sweet of you." Lena had to swallow back the soft gasp that escaped as their fingers brushed during the exchange and she felt the gentle shocks travel under her skin. 

"You're welcome," Kara cleared her throat nervously, and walked over to the couch, before lowering herself down onto the edge of it.

“So,” Lena spoke in a calm and quiet voice. “You're probably wondering what all of this is about, huh?" Lena joked.

"Uh, a little bit, yeah," Kara laughed nervously, as she sheepishly met Lena's gaze.

"Well," Lena continued, "I was just taking a look at the requests that have been submitted to HR for time off this holiday season, and I noticed that you haven’t requested any. In fact, I noticed that you are literally the only one who hasn’t requested a single day off the entire season. You worked on Thanksgiving. And now you’re signed up to work on Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Years. So imagine my surprise, when Alex told me that your mother had the holiday off, and wanted to do Christmas as a family.” 

“Oh,” Kara exhaled, as she shifted uneasily. “Well, I didn’t exactly see a point in taking time off, just so I could go home for Christmas.”

“But you love Midvale!” Lena protested, "Why wouldn't you want to go home?"

“I do, but Midvale will still be there a year from now,” Kara responded, “Right now, it makes the most sense for me to stay here and hold down the fort at work. Snapper, wanted one of the reporters to work the holidays, and I volunteered. I didn't think it would be right for me to rescind that offer.”

“Why?” Lena questioned, as she set down the manila folder. “Everybody needs time off, Kara. And you? You need it more than most.” 

“And just what is that supposed to mean?” Kara bit out. “Is that some kind of dig at me, boss? Has my work been less than satisfactory?” 

“No! All of your work has been exemplary!” Lena snapped back, with a tinge of anger, “It always is. But that isn’t the problem, Kara. The problem is thinking that you can just bury yourself in work and not address the fact that you are falling apart. You told your sister that you didn’t want to celebrate Christmas this year. And I can’t help but wonder why? You have always loved Christmas, Kara. In fact, I remember at this point last year you promised me that you were going to make me love it, too. So what’s changed?”

“Are you being serious right now?” Kara spoke in disbelief. “Lena, _you know_ what’s changed.” There was a hint of disgust in Kara’s voice as she said, “God, I can’t believe that _you_ of all people are trying to lecture me about this. You couldn’t even _look_ at me. You couldn’t bear to look at me for months, afterwards.”

“Kara,” Lena sighed.

“You want to know what’s changed?” Kara asked, her blue eyes suddenly seeming like ice, “What’s changed is that I can’t even look at a Christmas tree, or a freaking Santa hat without seeing flashes of that night. In fact, even being in here with that hideous Christmas tree is making me feel…sick.” Kara squeezed her eyes shut for a moment as she struggled to keep her breathing even and calm. “After the coma, Alex told me that I probably wouldn’t ever remember that night, but I do. I still remember the little girl - the one by the car who was so excited to see her hero… right up until she saw that hero get her skull beaten-in by a piece of concrete.” 

“Kara,” Lena was desperate to make her stop. Because even hearing Kara talk about that night, was painful for her too. But she also knew that her feelings had nothing on Kara’s. Lena can’t even imagine what that would be like.

“I’m sorry,” Kara found herself apologizing, “I’m sorry. That was – I can see now that I took that too far, but it’s…it’s also the truth. The truth is, that I don’t feel like celebrating. I just don’t. Because to celebrate Christmas right now? Well, it would mean that I would just be ignoring the fact that not everybody is here that should be here. She should _be here_ , Lena.” 

“Kara,” Lena shook her head, “That isn’t your fault.”

“But it is!” Kara shouted, “Because I should have found a way. I should have tried harder to save her. Even if – Even if it meant that I wasn't here to-”

“Damn it, Kara!” Lena hissed, “Not everything is your fault! So just stop it, okay? Stop blaming yourself for everything that happened, when it isn’t your fault!” Lena let out a sharp breath as she realized that she needed to calm down. “She was my best friend, too, you know. And I had no idea something was wrong. None! That’s on me too, you know - not just you. So…stop. Please just…stop.” 

“Lena,” Kara exhaled.

“Do you know how much of the last year I have spent thinking about things nobody should have to think about?” Lena questioned. “For months, afterwards, I would actually lay in bed at night, weighing the two of you in my mind. I would think about which one of you I couldn’t bear to live without. And then I finally realized how pointless that whole line of thinking was.”

“Lee.”  
  
“She would’ve killed you,” Lena breathed, “She would have killed you, without any remorse whatsoever, Kara. In fact, she nearly _did_. And it’s - It's only by some miracle that I didn’t lose you too.” Then. “Make no mistake, Kara. That person that you killed? I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that that wasn’t Sam anymore. She stopped being Sam a long time before that, on that first night when she started killing. She stopped being Sam on that night when she nearly killed you, her _best_ friend." Then. "How can you still think that she was capable of being saved? She didn’t even know who Ruby was! She didn’t know her own daughter. She would have killed her, if you hadn’t stopped her. She would have destroyed the whole world.” 

“That’s not true,” Kara shook her head. "She could have been saved. I've done a lot of research in the last year. There's - There's something called Black Kryptonite. And It can separate someone into two separate entities, good and evil. We could have separated her from it. We could have saved her. But we ran out of time. I - I should have fought harder.  

“Kara,” Lena swallowed. “You have to stop trying to change the past. Because we can't go back. We can't change it. You just - You have to find a way to move on, and move past it somehow.”

"Yeah?" Kara spat. "Well, I _can't_ , Lena. I can't move past something that's plagued me every waking minute of every single day. That's not how it works."

"Kara," Lena's voice took on a hint of a plea to it, as she said, "Please, you have to try."

"Don't you wish it had turned out differently?" Kara challenged, "because I have a hard time believing that you don't." Lena was rendered silent. Had she really been that cold, that indifferent? That Kara would honestly think Lena wished Kara had died instead of Sam?

"I - Kara, what are you saying?" Lena was flabbergasted.

"I think you'd much rather have her here than me," Kara answered her, and Lena felt the breath sucked straight out of her lungs. "I think you'd rather she be the one sitting here talking to you," Kara whispered.

“Kara,” Lena gasped, “No. Just _no_. There are so many things wrong with that statement that I can't even-" Lena trailed off abruptly. She felt like she was reeling. She was actually reeling from this conversation.

"It doesn't mean that it's not true," Kara said with a shake of her head. Lena's heart clenched as Kara stood. "I should go... I need to get back to work or Snapper won't be happy."

"No!" Lena jumped up.

"Lena..."

"Sit back down, Kara!" Lena ordered abruptly. "Now! I'm not joking. We're not done talking."

"Lena," Kara sighed.

"I mean it, Kara!" Lena said with a flash of her bright green eyes. Kara could see a hint of fury in them.

Kara scoffed, but acquiesced, dropping back onto the couch. She avoided Lena's gaze, by looking into the corner.

"God, what has happened to us?" Lena asked in a defeated voice as she sank back onto the couch cushions, across the table from Kara. "How could you _ever think_ that I wished you ill, much less that I wished you dead?" Lena's voice cracked. She felt tears build in her eyes and spill over, as she thought about a world without Kara in it. She was acutely aware that Kara remained silent. She looked at the blonde in order to see Kara staring intently at the hands in her lap. Kara kept fiddling with the watch around her left wrist.

"Kara," Lena's voice quavered. "I never want you to think that you don't matter to me. Look, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but I also feel like I have to now. You’re the one. You’re the one that I decided that I couldn't live without. I remember when I found out you were Supergirl… That night when I found out that you might actually die, I actually went through the whole bargaining stage of grief. I realized then that I would literally give anything of mine away, if it meant that I could somehow keep you here with me. My fortune, my name, my knowledge, my company? I would give it all away for you, because you... you mean everything to me, Kara.”

“You should hate me,” Kara breathed. “It was almost easier for me when you did. Because I can’t look at you – I can’t look at you and not feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I can’t help but feel like it should have been me that died.” 

“Don’t you dare say that!” Lena said emotionally, as she became choked up over Kara’s words. “You’re my best friend! You’re my best friend, Kara.” Lena’s voice was thick as she said, “I know… I know that I have not been a good friend to you, lately. I know I wasn’t there when I should have been, and I am so so sorry for that, Kara. But I love you. You’re like family to me and I can honestly say that I can’t imagine my life without you. I spent the first couple months of this year wondering if I could ever forgive you. I wondered if I would ever be able to have you in my life, but now… now all I can think about is how selfish I was.” Lena felt tears leak from her eyes. “You were hurting. You were hurting, perhaps even more than I was, and I left you to deal with it _alone_ , all because I was angry at you for keeping secrets from me.”

“Lena,” Kara sighed.

“I need you in my life, Kara,” Lena begged, “I will do whatever you need me to do, but I need you in my life again. I need for us to go back to the way they were before.”

“I wish… I wish I could give you that,” Kara spoke tearfully, “I wish we could go back to the way things were before, but I don’t know if I can. I guess – I guess the only thing either of us can do is try.”

“I will do anything to help you, Kara. Even if it means doing something that you may not like. And right now?" Lena continued on, not the least bit dissuaded by Kara’s attempts to stop her. “Right now that means denying you the right to work on Christmas.” 

“Come on, Lena,” Kara begged, “No. Don’t do this. Don't take this from me!”

“You will take the whole week off between Christmas and New Years,” Lena told her. “In fact, you will be taking some time off of work starting on the 23rd, so that you have plenty of time to make it back to Midvale for Christmas.”

“You can’t force me to go to Midvale,” Kara argued.

“No,” Lena admitted, “No, you're right about that. I can’t force you to do _anything_ that you don't want to. But what I can do, is ask you to seriously reconsider. And I can also exercise this small bit of control over your work life, because I am your _boss_.”

“I don’t want to go to the Danvers’ Christmas party, Lena,” Kara protested. “Do you know what it’s like? Every year they spend the whole night asking me when I’m going to get married and settle down. It’s like… it’s like the most condescending thing ever.” Kara let out a deep breath. “I can’t do it. I can’t go.” 

“What if you had someone to go with you?” Lena asked. "Would you to be willing to go, then?”

“Yeah, sure,” Kara hedged, “But I doubt that I’d ever find anyone willing to go with me on such short notice.” 

“Hmm,” Lena hummed, as she weighed her options. “Well, you’re probably right about that, but surely there must be _someone_ who would be willing to go with you.” Lena dearly hoped that Kara picked up on the hints she was dropping.

“Fine, Lena, I'll bite. What are you doing on Christmas?” Kara asked her.

“I don’t know, Kara,” Lena teased, pretending to be weighing her options. She must have taken a second too long, because Kara jumped up from her seat.

“Uh… You know what?” Kara said suddenly, “This is a terrible idea. Just forget – Just forget I said anything.”

“Kara?” Lena asked worriedly, as she stood up, too. She saw a look in Kara’s eyes that made her uneasy. “Hey, what’s - what's wrong?” 

“Nothing,” Kara told her, but Lena could see that something was upsetting her. 

“It’s not nothing,” Lena argued, “Something is bothering you.”

“It’s the song,” Kara hissed, “the one playing on the radio right now. It was… It was playing that night when Sam and I-“ Kara swallowed, as she felt her stomach churn unpleasantly. “I’m sorry, but I can’t be in here right now. I have to… I have to go.”

“Kara, wait!” Lena tried to grab a hold of Kara’s hand, but Kara rushed from the room before she could get a hold on her. Lena let out a sigh, and silently cursed the radio station. Lena also kicked herself. She should have thought of that. She should have turned the radio off before the meeting. Even though it was quiet, with Kara’s hearing it might as well be blasting through the office.

* * *

At first light on the morning on December 23rd, Lena knocked on the door of Kara’s apartment. She wrung her hands in front of her nervously, as she waited for Kara to answer the door. She had no idea how her presence would be received. 

Downstairs, Lena’s car was waiting for them both.

Lena let out sharp breath as the door was thrown open. Kara looked disheveled and exhausted. In fact, it looked as if Kara hadn’t slept in days. There were lines under Kara’s eyes, and Kara’s icy blue eyes looked slightly bloodshot as they met Lena's gaze. 

“Lena,” Kara breathed, as her brows knit together in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“Isn’t the answer obvious?” Lena asked. Kara's mouth just hung open as Kara stared at her. "Okay so maybe it isn't that obvious. I’ve come to kidnap you. We’re going on a road-trip.” 

“What?” Kara actually gulped, as she met Lena’s beaming smile. “No, seriously. What are you saying?”

“As your _fake_ girlfriend,” Lena spoke, as she strode confidently inside of Kara's apartment, “I’ve come to tell you to pack a bag. We’re going on a road-trip to Midvale. I want to see where you grew up.”

“Lee,” Kara shook her head, “No… Just _no_. A thousand times _no_.”

“Yes, yes, a thousand times _yes_ ,” Lena shot back, “Now you can pack a bag for yourself, or I will go in there and pack a bag for you. But I'm warning you right now, if I’m the one that’s doing the packing, I will be packing dresses, lots and _lots_ of dresses. Therefore, I _highly_ recommend that you be the one to do it.” 

“You know…” Kara said slowly, “About this whole kidnapping thing. You can’t exactly take me against my will. I’m a lot stronger than you, what with being Kryptonian and all.” 

“You’re forgetting,” Lena shot back, with a waggle of her eyebrows, “I’m a Luthor. We always have a contingency plan.”

“And what is that?” Kara questioned, with a skeptical expression on her face.

“Wouldn't you like to know,” Lena retorted. “Now, what’s it going to be?”

“I really hate you right now,” Kara grumbled, as she turned away and stalked towards the bedroom.

Kara had a bag packed in record time. She slung the duffel over her shoulder and strode out into the living room, where Lena was waiting. 

“Kara,” Lena sighed, as she detected the tension coming off of Kara’s shoulders in waves. 

“I didn’t mean what I said earlier,” Kara said, with a hint of shame in her voice. “You know I love you, right? I – I’m sorry for what I said. It’s just… I don’t know how to be the old me.”

“It’s okay,” Lena told her as she pulled Kara in for a hug. Kara carefully returned the embrace, burying her face in the space between Lena’s neck and shoulder. “Someone once told me that you can say whatever it is you need to say, and the people who love you will still love you. I still love you.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Kara sniffled.

“Come on,” Lena told her as she pulled away. “Let’s go, before you change your mind.” Kara tried to ignore the flip her stomach did, when Lena took Kara’s hand with her own and threaded her fingers through Kara’s. She led the way down to the car. Kara swallowed as she laid eyes on the car they would be taking. She didn’t even want to think about how much the Porsche they were taking cost. Kara’s stomach dropped as Lena let go of Kara’s hand, and opened the door for her. She took the bag from Kara’s hand. Kara slipped inside of the passenger seat, while Lena walked around the back of the car and opened the trunk. Lena tossed Kara’s bag inside, and then shut the trunk. Kara stared at her through the rearview mirror. With a pang, Kara suddenly noticed how beautiful she looked. Feelings from a year ago came rushing back. She remembered how in love with Lena she had been before everything imploded. And as hard as Kara fought against those feelings, they kept rushing back. The truth is, Kara doesn’t think those feelings ever really left her.

Kara tore her eyes away from the rearview mirror, as Lena looked right back at her, as if she knew exactly what was going through Kara’s mind. Kara stared out of the passenger window. She flinched a little bit, as Lena whipped open the driver’s side door, and dropped into the driver’s seat. Kara felt her breath hitch as Lena’s hand brushed her knee. Kara looked over and met Lena’s bright green gaze.

“I’m glad you’ve agreed to come with me,” Lena told her. “It would have been awkward if I showed up at your mother’s house without you,” Lena joked, earning a weak laugh from Kara. “I’ve really missed the sound of your laugh,” Lena whispered, and Kara felt her cheeks flush under Lena’s inspection. “And your smile,” Lena added. “You have the most beautiful smile.”

Kara cleared her throat, uneasily, and Lena seemed to pick up on the fact that she was making her uncomfortable, because she looked away and started the car. Kara let out a sigh of relief as Lena shifted into drive and they sped off. After about five minutes of unbearable silence, Lena switched on the radio, and then she hit the auxiliary button for her I-phone. Kara felt her pulse begin to quicken as music began to play through the speakers.

“No Christmas music,” Lena breathed for Kara’s benefit, “I promise. We’re going to make this whole trip a safe place for you, okay?” 

“Thank you,” Kara spoke thickly. She actually shuddered a little bit as Lena’s hand sought out her own and gave it a squeeze. She noticed how Lena didn’t let go.

 _Another night in my new skin_  
_Throw emotion to the wind_  
_Just trying to find a face to make me feel something_

Kara felt her heart begin to beat out of control, as Lena rolled the windows down. The sight of Lena’s hair whipping about her face, as the wind tousled it with wild abandon, did weird things to Kara’s stomach. Lena was achingly beautiful like this, and Kara found herself falling deeper and deeper in love with her. Kara only wished that Lena’s emerald green eyes weren’t hidden behind opaque lenses, as she would have given anything to see Lena’s eyes just then. Still, Kara was in love with everything about this moment.

This became even more prevalent as Lena started singing along to the radio, while drumming on the steering wheel with her other hand. Kara felt a sense of loss, as Lena retracted her hand, so that she could maintain better control of the vehicle, while continuing to tap out a rhythm to the beat of the song playing over the speakers. 

 _And for all the pretty mouths and pretty words that turned me out_  
_I just end up at your house_  
_20 thousand leagues beneath the ocean_  
_Oh_

“And I've been trying to keep my distance,” Lena’s gentle voice sang to her, “So hard to keep my distance.” Kara’s heart stopped, as Lena turned towards her for a fraction of a moment, meeting Kara’s eyes, “And you make me wanna stay. 'Cause you look so good. But I know you babe, and this can't wait. Not one more touch, one more drink, one more minute, one more night.” Kara let out a sharp breath as she felt those words in her very being. But just as soon as it started the moment was broken. Lena tore her eyes away to look back at the road.  

“Lee,” Kara exhaled. She suddenly feared that she was about to spontaneously combust. Lena was tugging at her heartstrings in a way that Kara swore she would never let herself be pulled.

“So I surrender,” Lena belted the next words, “This is the moment I surrender.” There was a small break before she continued; “Now all the shapes I know are gone. Charts and maps I've drawn just get me lost.” The words were unbelievably appropriate when it came to describing how their relationship had been for the last year. Kara stopped breathing, stopped thinking. “And I'm falling off the edge. And you make me wanna change, with the look on your face. 'Cause I miss you babe, but I can't stay… Not one more kiss, not one more fix, not one more minute, one more night.” 

“OOooohhh,” Kara joined in on the chorus, feeling the words in her soul, as she sang, “So I surrender. This is the moment I surrender.” This time Kara noticed the uptick in Lena’s heartbeat. She noticed how it seemed to be beating two hundred times a minute, as Kara declared, “Even now I let it in. Oh lord, I surrender.” They began to trade the parts back and forth.

“I still need it, I can't stay. I still need it, I still can't stay,” Kara sang the harmony.

“I'm still trying to keep my distance,” Lena sang in answer.

“Send me back in time,” Kara pleaded, “love me again.”

“Keep my distance.” Lena belted out. “OOooohhhh,” Kara sang at the same time as Lena. Then, she picked up the response.

“I still need it, I still need it,” Kara sang back.

“When I speak will you listen?” Lena asked. For a long, moment the synth beats took over the Porsche’s sound system as they waited for the melody to pick back up.

“So send me back a thousand days,” Lena sang, “To that first night at your old place, and tell me how it ends. I'd do it all again, for one more minute, one more night.” They continued on like this till the end of the song, trading back and forth as they got lost in the words and their meaning. When the sound finally faded out, Kara let out a small laugh, and a levied breath.

“Wow,” Kara whispered as she met Lena’s eyes,

Lena told her with a bright smile. “We sounded really good together.” 

“We did sound really good together, didn’t we?” Kara said with a hint of pride in her voice, and in her bright blue eyes.

“Kara,” Lena swallowed, “I feel like there’s something I should -”

“You don’t have to say anything, Lena,” Kara told her. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Lena, argued, “I feel like I ruined it. You tried so hard to explain everything to me, and I just – I refused to listen. I let my anger get the best of me, and because of that our relationship greatly suffered.” 

“You weren’t ready to hear it,” Kara shook her head. “You had a right to be angry with me. I understood that.”

“Do you ever wonder what things would have been like, if I’d taken it better?” Lena asked. 

“Truthfully?” Kara asked in response.

“Yeah,” Lena nodded.

“All the time,” Kara admitted, “But that doesn’t really matter, does it? Because things happened the way they did, and we can’t change it. There’s no point in dwelling on it.”

“I was so in love with you,” Lena breathed, earning a sharp breath from Kara.

“You were with James.”

“I know,” Lena swallowed.

“Then why – Why are you telling me this?” Kara asked as she turned to face Lena. “What’s the point?”

“There’s no point,” Lena spoke honestly, “I just – I felt like you should know.”

“But you’re not in love with me anymore?” Kara said slowly. She didn’t know what she wanted. The truth is, Kara didn’t know if she wanted Lena to agree with it, or deny it. 

“No, I’m not,” Lena repeated. It was a lie.

“Okay,” Kara breathed.

"Okay," Lena echoed. 

The rest of the drive to Midvale was muted in comparison to the way it had started out, and Lena supposed that part of that was her fault. She should have just told Kara the truth, which is that she was in love with her, and likely would always be in love with her. But that was dangerous, her and Kara’s friendship had only barely survived the last year, and she was afraid that adding feelings into the mix could only destroy what little they had left. At some point during the car ride, Kara fell asleep, with her temple pressed to the cool glass of the passenger side window. It wasn’t until they came to a stop in the driveway, that Kara jolted awake. 

“We’re here,” Lena announced, as she threw open the driver’s side door. Lena smiled as the front door opened and Alex and Eliza came bounding out, in order to help with the bags. 

“Welcome,” Eliza offered her with a warm smile as she gathered Lena into a hug, “We’re so glad you could make it.” 

“Thank you, Mrs. Danvers,” Lena greeted her.

“Oh, please call me Eliza,” she implored her as she let go. “How was the drive?”

“Good,” Lena smiled, “Amazing, considering the fact that it’s only two days before Christmas.”

“Hey, Lena,” Alex greeted her as she pulled Lena in for a crushing embrace, “Thank you so much for coming, and thanks for getting her here.”

“You’re welcome,” Lena replied. “Did you get my texts?” Lena questioned as she pulled away.

“Yeah,” Alex nodded. “I did. And I promise that I’ll keep what you said to myself.” Alex spoke, referring to the information that Lena had shared with her about Christmas. She’d told Alex that she was going to be Kara’s fake girlfriend for the Danvers’ extended family Christmas event. She’d also shared that she had actual feelings for Kara, but that she didn’t think Kara was ready for any sort of a relationship. She was going to keep her distance. 

“Hey, Mom,” Kara greeted as her mother, pulled her into a crushing embrace of her own. 

“Oh, my dear, I’m so happy that you decided to come after all,” Eliza told her. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” Kara breathed. Kara felt as if the hug ended far too soon.

“Now, come inside,” Eliza bid them, “Do you need help with the bags?”

“Nah, I’ve got them,” Kara replied, “Lena, can you pop the trunk for me?” 

“Sure thing, Darling,” Lena replied, and hit the button on her key fob. Kara started pulling bags from the trunk.

“Goodness, Lee,” Kara called out, “How much did you pack? You know we’re only gonna be here for like four days, right?”

“Oh, come on,” Lena shot back, “Everyone here knows that you have to be prepared. You can never have too many clothes.”

“I guess it’s lucky that I have Super-strength, and can carry them all, isn’t it?” Kara said as she emerged, carrying four different bags. Eliza laughed as she watched Kara walk towards the house, buried under the luggage.

“Will you be sharing your room?” Eliza asked her.

“Uh…Mom, I don’t think that would be such a good idea,” Alex spoke under her breath, in a whisper.

“Why is that?” Lena asked, “Kara and I can share, if room is an issue.”

“What about the nightmares?” Alex asked.

“Oh,” Lena instantly paled. She honestly hadn’t thought about that, but Alex mentioned that Kara had been having nightmares. “Right. Of course! How could I have forgotten about the nightmares? No, perhaps it would be best if we slept separately.”

“We’ll put you in the room next door to Kara,” Eliza told her. “That way if you want to go back and forth between them, you won’t have to trek all of the way down the hall.” 

“That sounds like a great idea, Mom,” Alex told her, with a wink directed at Lena. 

As soon as they were situated in their rooms, everybody drifted back downstairs. Lena felt giddy, as Kara rushed up behind her, and scooped her up. Lena laughed loudly, as Kara wrapped her arms around her from behind and lifted her off of the floor. Kara twirled her around as Lena giggled loudly in genuine happiness. She laughed even louder as Kara pressed sloppy kisses into Lena’s neck.

“Hey,” Alex called out, as she appeared out of the kitchen. “Are you two idiots done messing around? Cause dinner is on the table.” Kara set Lena down on the floor. Lena swatted at Kara’s shoulder, as they shared a laugh. “Kara, you’d better catch that lamp before it hits the floor, or Mom is going to be seriously mad at you,” Alex called out as she left the room.

“Lamp? What lamp?” Kara asked as she whipped around in order to see the lamp teetering on the edge of the nearby table. Kara let out a squeak and dove for the lamp, while Lena just laughed at her and her shenanigans. Kara caught the lamp just before it hit the floor, saving it from certain disaster. She shot Lena a dirty look, as she carefully got to her feet and set it back on the table.

“Oh, don’t you dare look at me like that,” Lena said, with an arch of her brow, “That was all you, Kara.” 

“Sorry, not sorry,” Kara said, as she grabbed Lena’s hand in her own, before leading her towards the dining room for dinner. Lena smiled, as Kara, in a display of her chivalrous nature, pulled out Lena’s chair for her and helped push her chair in, before taking the seat next to her. Lena, in a display of affection, pressed a kiss to Kara’s cheek, earning a blush from Kara and a chuckle from Eliza. “It’s good to see you two looking so smitten,” she told Kara, “I haven’t seen you look that happy, in a very long time.” Kara gave Lena a strange look then, as if she were truly in love with Lena too.

“Lena is special,” Kara told her. “What can I say? She brings out the best in me.” Kara didn’t have to fake the affection and love in her voice. “I’m really lucky to have her in my life. I – I have been through a lot in the last year. I don’t think I have to tell you that it’s been tough, but we got through it. And I – I have every confidence that I can make it through just about anything with Lena by my side.”

“Aww, I love you too, Darling,” Lena told her with a squeeze of her leg under the table. Lena’s eyes shone with love, as she met Kara’s gaze. Kara couldn’t help but think about how easy it would be to close the distance between them, and press her lips to Lena’s. She wanted to do it so badly that her heart ached in need. Still, Kara resisted.

The moment between them was broken, however, when Ruby cleared her throat. Suddenly an expression of guilt washed over Kara’s face.

“I – I’m sorry,” Kara said with a clear of her throat, then she pushed back her chair and was gone. Alex let out a sigh. They’d come so close. Kara had almost let herself give in to her feelings. But now, now the moment was gone.

“I’m sorry, Ruby,” Lena apologized, “That was really insensitive of me.”

“No, Aunt Lena,” Ruby told her. “Don’t apologize. That was really beautiful. I – I’m glad that you can make Kara happy like that. Mom - mom would be really happy to know that you love each other. She’d be glad that you have one another.” Then. “I just wish that Kara could be in the same room with me, without looking as if it was so – so painful for her.”

“But you understand why it’s hard for her right?” Alex questioned.

“Yeah,” Ruby nodded, “Yeah, I do. She still blames herself for what happened to Mom.” 

“She cared about your mother very much,” Lena told her. “She feels like she let you down, as your hero, _and_ your friend.” Lena let out a breath, and pushed back her chair. “I’m just going to check on her. I’m gonna make sure she’s alright.”

“If you can’t find her, check the balcony outside,” Alex suggested.

Sure enough, that was where Lena found her. Kara was standing hunched over the telescope, looking into the focal lens. She was staring so intently at what she was looking at, that she didn’t hear Lena’s approach.

“That’s a nice telescope,” Lena said as she stepped up behind her. Kara startled a little and pulled away from the telescope, straightening up so that she was standing tall.

“Thanks,” Kara swallowed, “It was an gift from an old friend of ours.”

“Ah,” Lena replied, “Mind if I take a look?”

“By all means,” Kara said as she gestured to the telescope. Lena slowly approached, and leant down, in order to press her eye to the focal lens. She squeezed her other eye shut, so that she could focus on what she was seeing. She breathed shallowly as she took in the sight. 

“So,” Lena hedged, “What is it that I am looking at?” 

“Home,” Kara breathed. Lena shuddered as she felt Kara’s breath on the back of her neck. “See that red star at the center of the field?”

“Mmhmm,” Lena hummed.

“That’s Rao,” Kara replied, “Krypton’s star. That dimmer light next to it is Daxam, and the faintest light you see beside that is Krypton.”

“Wait…how is that possible?” Lena questioned, “I thought Krypton exploded. Oh, wait. I know how. The light from the explosion hasn’t reached us yet.”

“Yeah,” Kara swallowed, “But any day now, that light will be extinguished. And then Krypton will be gone forever.” 

“Kara,” Lena gasped, as she pulled away from the telescope and turned in order to see the tears shimmering in Kara’s eyes. She would give anything in order to take that pain away. Lena let instinct drive her. “Hey,” Lena breathed as she stepped closer. She reached up to the back of Kara’s neck and tugged her forwards, pressing their lips together. Warmth suddenly spread through her from the point of contact. She felt heat explode to life inside of her, like a star being birthed by the universe. Lena’s eyelids fluttered closed, as Kara reached up to the side of her face, and stepped into the kiss, deepening it. Lena shuddered as she felt Kara’s other hand on her side, palming her ribcage. Lena’s heart was currently beating out of control. She knew that Kara would hear it – that she would feel it beating beneath her fingertips. Kara would know exactly what she was doing to Lena’s state of mind, but Lena couldn’t be bothered enough to care. Because all that mattered to her was Kara – the way that Kara felt against her, so perfect and right, that it felt like coming home. It always did when Kara touched her. Lena bit back a moan as she faintly felt Kara nibble on her bottom lip as they exchanged kisses.

 _Fuck it_. Lena let go. She moaned. But not only that, she hummed loudly against Kara’s mouth. She was in love with Kara. She would always be in love with her, and there was no point in fighting it any more. Lena’s other hand darted up to brush against Kara’s face. She faintly felt the trails of tears against the skin of her palm, as she palmed her cheek. Lena breathed into the kiss, as she surrendered. She kissed Kara with everything she had. She put all of her love, and all of the desperation she felt in her heart, into the kiss. Lena threaded her fingers through the strands at the base of Kara’s head. Lena felt rapture as Kara kissed her back with equal desperation. She kissed her back unabashedly. This wasn’t for someone else’s benefit – this wasn’t for the sake of maintaining appearances. This was just for them. This was about the feelings between them – feelings that had lingered and festered for too long without any resolution. Words from earlier in the day went coursing through her mind.

 _(I still need it, I still need it)_  
_So I surrender_  
_(I still need it, I still need it)_  
_This is the moment I surrender_  
_(I still need it, I still need it)_  
_Even now I let it in_  
_(I still need it, I still need it)_  
_Oh lord, I surrender_  
_(I still need it, I can't stay_  
_I still need it, I still can't stay)_  
_This is the moment I surrender_  
_(Send me back in time, love me again_  
_I still need it, I still need it)_

Lena felt her world stop, as she felt Kara begin to pull away. Lena chased after her, wanting more than anything to prolong the perfect moment between them. She was desperate to delay the inevitable reckoning that she knew would follow their separation. A large part of Lena was afraid – _so_ afraid of what happened next. Lena was in a daze as her eyelids fluttered open, in order to see Kara’s bright gaze looking into her own, in confusion.

“I’m sorry,” Lena apologized, “You just looked so sad, and I wanted to make it better.”

“So you kissed me?” Kara asked her, with a furrow of her eyebrows. "Out of pity?"

“Kara,” Lena sighed, as Kara took a step back. She couldn’t help but feel as if she had just made things infinitely worse. “I’m sorry. I swear that I didn’t mean to make things worse. I just-”

Kara just shook her head. “Don't. Just _don't_ , okay? I’m gonna go back inside,” Kara said, before she disappeared.

Lena didn’t see her after that. Kara spent the rest of the evening avoiding her. 

Later on, in the early hours of the morning, Lena jolted awake to the sound of screams. For a long moment, as she slowly became reacquainted with reality, Lena couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, but then the revelation hit her like ton of bricks. Lena threw back the covers and sat up, pushing herself out of bed. She threw on a robe, and rushed over to the door, throwing it open. Alex’s door across the hall was already open. 

“Kara,” she heard Alex’s voice call from inside of Kara’s room. Lena rushed over to it and pushed her way inside, in order to see Kara thrashing around on the bed. Lena’s stomach dropped as she took in the sight. Every muscle in Kara’s body was simultaneously flexed, in a state of contraction, as Kara thrashed back and forth on the mattress. However, the worst part about it all was the screams. Kara sounded as if she were in pain. Lena stepped closer to the bed, but Alex held out a hand in her direction. 

“Stay back,” Alex warned Lena. “She could hurt you if you get too close.” But to stand by and watch the whole thing was nothing short of torture – It was agony in the worst way. 

Lena watched as Alex reached out to shake Kara’s shoulders. “Kara, it’s just a nightmare,” Alex told her in a calm, but quavering voice, “Kara, come on. You have to wake up.” Lena gasped, as Kara’s hand shot out and she shoved Alex away. The force with which Kara’s fist hit her was so great, that it actually sent Alex flying backwards. Alex soared through the air for several frantic moments, before gravity took over again. Lena watched in horror as Alex started to flail. Alex’s body knocked a lamp from a nearby table, before she and it ultimately crashed to the floor with a tinkling of broken glass.

“Alex!” Lena rushed over and quickly began checking her for injuries. 

“It's okay. _I’m okay_ ,” Alex assured her with a groan, as she slowly started climbing up from the floor.

Kara’s legs swung through the air with little resistance, as she thrashed in Reign's grasp. The muscles in her forearms tensed as she fought against the woman holding her by the throat. Her feet dangled hundreds of feet above the ground, and the city square below. Her lungs were filling with blood from the collapsed lung she’d suffered earlier at her foe’s hands. Now the grip on her throat was keeping her from drawing breath altogether. Kara scrabbled against the fabric of the black suit. She frantically tried to claw at the skin of forearm that was holding her aloft – as she tried frantically to get them to let go. She was torn between wanting the woman to let go of her, or wanting them to hold on. But either way, it meant almost certain death for Kara. Kara was going to die.

Kara tried to take in a deep breath, and choked on it. No breath would come - no matter how hard that Kara tried, it wouldn’t come. Kara tried to cry out, but nothing came out. She sank further down as darkness encompassed her and threatened to swallow everything. It weighed her down with every passing moment and yet Kara fought harder and harder, thrashing against what soon became the moist sheets of her bed as she awoke with a start. She shot up into a seated position, a gasp falling from her lips as she was catapulted back into reality. Kara let herself drop back onto the pillow, and her stomach did a somersault that left her feeling as if she might be sick at any moment. She let herself sink further into the mattress. She took several deep breaths as she struggled to adjust to wakefulness. For a long moment, Kara squeezed her eyes shut, taking one deep breath through her nose before expelling it into the cool air of her bedroom through her parted lips. Her limbs felt as if they were made of lead, and seemingly weighed her down. She wasn’t even sure she could move. Kara’s eyes flickered opened as she continued to fight the sudden onslaught of nausea, but as she tried to move again, her world was sent spinning above her and she couldn’t stop it.

“Kara,” Lena’s voice was soft, and gentle from beside the bed. 

Kara reached up to her stomach, praying that she’d be able to hold out long enough to make it to the bathroom. Kara rolled off the edge of her bed, hoping she could hit the ground running. But her body had another idea. Kara hit the ground hard, and gritted her jaw together in order to keep from crying out. She didn’t want to wake everyone in the house, even though she was pretty sure that no one could have slept through the racket she was making.

Lena gently tugged Kara to her feet. But a moment later, Kara’s legs gave out on her.

Kara crawled and stumbled quickly along the wooden floor of her bedroom until she finally reached the hallway. She rushed down it as quickly as she possibly could and pushed open the door. Once inside, she pulled herself along the floor towards the bowl.

She made it, and not a moment too soon. Before she could brace herself for it, her body convulsed violently. Her stomach seemed to be turning itself inside out in the worst way. She couldn’t control her retching. Instead, she felt like she was along for the ride. She hovered over the porcelain bowl, her knees acting as an anchor. The cold, unyielding floor pushed back up against her knees and made them ache. But nothing was as bad as the pain she was experiencing in her back and stomach, as muscles that she hadn’t used in a long time, contracted over and over and over again. Over time, they seized up completely. Fresh sweat built up on her forehead, neck, lower back, and the rest of her body.

Just when she was sure she couldn’t take it anymore, Kara was given a short reprieve. She reached out and flushed the toilet, as she didn’t want to have to see what was inside. She groaned, as she pushed herself away from the bowl, and propped herself up against the wall. She closed her eyes and let out another deep and ragged breath as she struggled to collect herself. Still, she felt the tears coursing down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure that she had enough energy left  to get up and go to back to bed. And in all honesty, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to. Kara shuddered as she felt the chilly air lick at her damp clothes and feverish body. She swallowed again, hoping to quell the intense burning in her throat. Kara let out a groan, lowered herself to the ground, and closed her eyes. She concentrated on breathing in and out.

She vaguely heard the door open, and the sound of voices speaking to one another in hushed tones, but she was too exhausted to care. Kara heard the sink running for a few moments, and then footsteps drawing closer. A heartbeat later, Kara felt herself getting hoisted up into a seated position against the wall. She felt gentle, but cold hands, brush the hair from her face. 

Kara moaned as she felt a cool washcloth begin to wipe at the skin of her face and neck. Kara’s head fell back against the wall. Kara whimpered.

“Shh,” Lena quieted her. Kara was sure it was Lena’s voice now. “Shh…my love. It's just me. It’s okay.” Then. “Are you sick? Or was it just the dream that got you all out of sorts?” Lena asked her.

“Nightmare,” Kara croaked out, through chaffed and swollen vocal cords. 

“I wish there was something more I could do,” Lena sniffled. “Kara, I’m so sorry. I had no idea how bad it had gotten. Alex tried to tell me, but I – I thought she was making a big deal out of nothing, or at the very least exaggerating.” 

“’s alright,” Kara whispered, as her expression tightened. 

“I don’t want to overstep, but – have you given any thought to talking to someone about what you’re feeling?” Lena questioned. “About the nightmares and the memories?”

“No…”

“It’s helped Ruby,” Lena tried to tell her, “And, you know, maybe it could help you too. There’s no shame in asking for help, Kara. You’re one of the strongest people I know. No one is going to question that. But you’re so weak right now that you can’t even stand. God, I can’t stand seeing you in so much pain.” 

“Why?” Kara asked her, as her eyelids fluttered open, in order to find Lena’s eyes waiting for her own. 

“Because I love you,” Lena replied.

“You don’t – You don’t have to pretend,” Kara told her.

“You think I’m pretending?” Lena looked hurt by Kara’s accusation.

“Well, it’s what you were doing earlier when you kissed me, wasn’t it?” Kara asked her as she batted Lena’s hands away, and tried to stand up. Kara was stunned when Lena gently pushed her back down. 

“I wasn’t pretending then _either_ ,” Lena told her, with a flash of her bright green eyes, “And I’m insulted that you think I was. I’m not that good of an actress, Kara. Look, I realize that I might not be any good at this, but I love you.” 

“But in the car, you said…”

“I know what I said,” Lena interrupted, “I lied. I thought that having a friendship with you was better than having nothing at all, but I want it all with you, Kara. I want kisses under the stars. I want to curl up with you beneath the blankets. I want game nights, and movie nights, and weekends with you. I want to wake up to you every morning, and to go to sleep with you every night. But more than anything, I just want you to be okay. I want you to stop blaming yourself for every little thing. What I want is for you to share that burden with me…to let me carry some of that pain for you.” 

“Lee,” Kara breathed. “I’m not sure I’m worth it.”

“You _are_ ,” Lena assured her. “You are worth it, Kara.” Lena pressed a lingering kiss to Kara’s forehead. “Now let’s get you to bed.” Kara protested weakly as Lena hoisted her up from the floor, and helped her make it back to bed. Lena tucked her in and laid down on the mattress beside her. “Go to sleep, Kara,” Lena said as Kara settled into her arms, “I’ll be right here with you the whole time, I promise.”

In the morning, Lena brought her breakfast and they ate in bed. Kara hadn’t had a lot to eat recently, so Lena was almost able to out-eat the champion of eating. But at least Kara had something to eat. 

They spent the rest of the day curled up on the couch, huddled beneath the blankets, watching cheesy movies together. Lena purposely avoided watching anything with a Christmas theme, mainly because she was afraid of triggering Kara in some way. But Kara surprised her, when she requested they watch _Sleepless in Seattle_.

“Sleepless in Seattle?” Lena questioned.

“You’ve never seen it?” Kara asked her in amazement.

“No,” Lena shook her head, “I can’t say I have.” 

“Oh, it’s _so_ good,” Kara gushed, “Trust me, you’re going to love it. It’s got Tom Hanks in it, and Meg Ryan. There’s also this cute little kid in it named Jonah. Oh, man, I think we need caramel corn for this.” Kara started to untangle herself from Lena, and Lena felt a laugh bubbling up in her throat. Kara turned to her, with a questioning look in her eyes. 

“I love you,” Lena declared, before pressing a chaste kiss to Kara’s lips. “I’m glad we’re spending Christmas together this year.”

“Me too,” Kara said as she pressed her lips to Lena’s in a searing kiss, before heading off in the direction of the kitchen in order to get the caramel corn.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what to say... My hats off to everyone who made it through this one! 
> 
> *hugs*
> 
> Love you all! Have a Merry Christmas, okay?
> 
> Also, the song they were singing together is my new obsession. Seriously, it's so good! I'll put the link down here if you want to listen to it! :)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO8QTlAwFT0


End file.
